Meeting Our Mosaics by Dr. Tong (Toni) Liu MD (@DrTooni) (she/her)

I learned I wasn’t enough from the moment I was born without my dad. And then, at 3 months old, when my mother left me to join him in America, leaving me with my grandparents. Who then left me with a stranger when I was 2.5 years old, who took me on the plane from China to America.

They lied to me to get me onto the plane, that Grandpa would be there waiting for me. A child doesn’t understand logic about why people couldn’t stay with her, visa issues, work issues, timing. She only learns “I must not be good enough; it makes sense why they’d leave. I must disgust and repel them.”

I carried this core theme well into my 30s. I felt, deep at my core, I wasn’t good enough, just as I was, unless I was working really, really hard, performing, catering to others, making myself as likeable and palatable as possible. I felt the crushing weight of pressures and definitions of “success” as having a lot of friends, having a respectable job, making lots of money, getting married, having kids, bringing honor to the family. By judging, shaming, guilting, and “should”-ing myself, I achieved and exceled as an eldest daughter of a Tiger Mom… until I broke.

When I quit being an Ivy-League doctor to be an artist and single, childless, homeless nomad, I questioned everything. Why I had allowed myself to believe others over my own inner voice until it started screaming. Why I had allowed myself to get to rock bottom before I admitted I needed help. And during these past 7 years of transition, why it was so HARD to let go of who I had spent so long and hard trying to be.

I’m finally at a place where I can embrace the messiness, the journey, and be proud of myself, no matter what. Regardless of where I am in my transition, whether I “make a living” off my art or not, I have learned that being an “unfinished” artist is STILL legitimate, valid, and worthwhile. External rewards or validation don’t determine my value or my identity. And learning to love the journey and every step of who I’m BECOMING, rather than what I do, means every failure adds to my growth and my success, rather than detract from it.

I can be an unfinished piece AND a beautiful masterpiece, both at once. In fact, I will always be unfinished. I will always be expanding, discovering, and absorbing new sides and layers of myself, too many to ever finish exploring in my lifetime. Like all humans, I am fluid, ever-changing; my atoms are vibrating in mostly empty space and never exactly the same. So why do we demand picture-perfect perfectionism from ourselves? When we will never be complete? Why chase a fantasy that guarantees we will always fail?

In the aftermath of letting go of “perfect,” I learned I’m made up of some pretty cool parts. I learned to appreciate those parts, no matter what else I had going on in my Mosaic. Having flaws didn’t take away from the strengths. And I even learned to love the mosaic, how my flaws only served to highlight in contrast to my strengths. And I began to be able to love others for their cool parts too, rather than judge them for their messy parts. I was able to deepen in love, understanding, and respect of myself and others.

And I learned to love the journey, truly, savoring every single microscopic step, no matter how tiny or even in what direction it takes me. Because getting to the destination will just create a new destination. We humans always yearn for growth, and more. But we can love ourselves every moment along the way, be happy and proud WHILE achieving our dreams, rather than wait to be happy UNTIL we achieve our dreams. Satisfaction with who we are won’t make us lazy; it fills us up so we naturally move from overflow.

May you learn to fully meet, love, and honor your unique, precious, remarkably beautiful Mosaic too <3

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