Summary: Thoughts about the meaning of family brought up by visiting my roots in China to help care for my acutely declining grandmother.

I just arrived in China for 2 months to visit my grandma, the only remaining grandparent left.

And my heart broke at how much she’s drastically declined in health and functioning since the last time I saw her 2 years ago.

Due to her fall and worsening dementia, she can hardly speak or swallow.

So many feelings, grieving someone while they’re still alive, knowing there are things she and we can’t do anymore that are painfully meaningful and made her who she is.

She loved browsing grocery stores, but now can hardly walk and needs 24/7 assistance.

Even with something as simple as communicating.

She can eek out a whisper of a few words here and there, but it seems to painful for her to gather the strength to make sounds, that I don’t want to ask her to try too much.

It has really made me appreciate how functional my body still is.

As I see her struggle to eat a tiny piece of a slice of orange, and meanwhile I am able to inhale a whole one with ease in seconds.

And it has helped me slow down, after a whirlwind of hustling with so many in-person gigs and activities in the Philippines the past few months.

Be more intentional, mindful, present, to life passing by.

To not overfill my schedule again and again.

To appreciate slow moments, such as sitting and eating with her for the 1.5 hours she needs to slowly chew and swallow her food, each meal.

And it was a sobering reminder on the fragility of our mortality and the uncertainty of life.

Will I be caring for my parents in the future? Will I be dealing with this too in old age? Do I want to write a clause asking for euthanasia if I can’t be independent anymore?

Will I be fortunate enough to have caretakers in my life, especially if I don’t end up having kids or have the resources to hire all the caretaking I would need?

Thoughts of ahh this is why it’s good to have a larger family, but only if you have good relationships, and if they’re doing ok taking care of themselves.

There are no guarantees, even with your own children.

This is culturally what we do for family.

This is why my parents are SO worried about me not adding a partner or kids to my life.

This is the importance of being in community, to love and be loved, for mutual care and aid.

This is the meaning of family, of caring for others and having their backs, to know you’re never alone.

(Though I’ve also learned family isn’t about blood, but respect, action, and choice. You can’t mistreat others in the name of “we’re family, so you’re stuck in this no matter what, and you have these duties no matter what.”

That’s abusive and insulting to the whole concept of family.

Ride or die, through thick and thin, sickness and health, DO have their limits.)

But when it’s a healthy ecosystem, it’s such a beautiful thing. I admire my uncle, caring for her tirelessly, waking up several times a night when she needs to use the bathroom.

But I also worry about caregiver’s burnout, though they do have part-time help they hired, and I’m glad to be able to be here to lend a hand.

This was a big reason I chose the remote work life, so that I can be more available to my loved ones. It’s not about endlessly traveling and exploring; it’s about being able to choose where and how I spend my time, for my pockets of the day when I’m not working to be filled with meaningful interactions rather than commuting or being stuck somewhere, relatively isolated, simply for a job.

I want to actually be PRESENT for my loved ones, as much as I can, given the uncertain amount of time we have together, after being raised by very hardworking and busy parents.

What does family mean to you? Are there norms, duties and expectations in your culture? Always curious to hear others’ perspectives and experiences too!