Trigger warning: sexual assault topic and some statistics

My two cents on the recent news on the Cornell 7 case…

It is absolutely chilling how ‘normal’ the assaulters look, how innocent, scholarly, professional even.

No wonder dating has become statistically the single most dangerous thing anyone can do. The stats are NAUSEATING.

Even I didn’t know the extent of these, that 25% of American men admitted sexual interest in children and 95% admitted to using a sexually coercive tactic!!!

I’m sure they are better in some countries and cultures, but also worse in others. It’s hard to estimate the worldwide incidence, but anything over 0% is too much!!

Yes, there are plenty of good men.

And yes, men can be victims too. About 20% of murder victims and 10% of rape victims are men.

But we can’t turn a blind eye to the stats, that 90%+ of murders and sexual assaults are committed by men.

Even if we factored in the possibility of under-reportings of crimes committed by women, male perpetrators would still be in the HUGE majority.

No wonder about half of women chose to deal with a bear in the woods rather than a man in that viral Man or Bear social media poll!

When you have the chance of being killed or raped, and not being helped or even BELIEVED if you are, you begin to wonder sometimes if searching for a partner is worth it at all.

It is safer to stay single. Emotionally it’s a risk for everyone, but physically, it’s a MUCH bigger risk for women and those who date men.

You can’t argue they have equivalent risks or men risking more financially ‘evens it out,’ as if any amount of money can be equivalent to someone’s bodily safety and LIFE.

The cost of trauma is impossible to estimate, because it can impact the entire rest of someone’s life.

Attempted estimates are $120,000+, but I think that is an underestimate considering how much trauma can impact every day functioning, lost opportunities, and you just can’t put a price on distress and emotional well-being.

Despite all this, I still choose to hold onto hope, and continue to share information, support survivors, and educate and advocate as I can.

I believe people CAN change, though it takes tremendous effort, awareness, and tolerance for discomfort to go against old patterns, and against the tide of what a majority of others currently do or think.

I think that new, different education, upbringings, socialization, and intentional conditionings CAN make a difference.

We have to stop victim-blaming and teaching the victims even more ways to protect themselves. Why don’t we put at least equal effort into teaching the abusers NOT to abuse?

Jackson Katx, social researcher and author of ‘The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help’ once asked a group of men and women, ‘What steps do you take, on a daily basis, to protect yourself from sexual assault?’ Women listed 30+ things whereas the shocked men said they don’t really think about it.

Women are ALREADY doing everything they can to protect themselves. The answer isn’t to blame shift and add even more to their plate, especially when sometimes it doesn’t matter what preparations she’s done, she can still be overpowered and blindsided by a surprise assault.

It doesn’t matter how she’s dressed, what she’s chosen to drink or do, what she’s consented to in the past.

We don’t blame the car owner when their car is BROKEN INTO or STOLEN because they ‘were asking for it’ by driving an expensive car or had previously let other people borrow it.

They don’t go through an intense interrogation of what they could have done differently or how they may have contributed, as if it’s ever possible to be responsible for someone else’s criminal decision!; they are cared for and actions are taken to try to find the criminal!

If we substitute in ANY OTHER analogy or situation, it’s ridiculous. So why is sexual assault the only area where basic respect and human decency seem to be thrown out the window?!

Almost everyone knows someone who has been assaulted, yet almost no one knows an assaulter. The math just doesn’t add up.

Are we turning a blind eye, conveniently forgetting, or thinking it’s ‘not our business’ or ‘not that bad’???!

Sadly, we have been conditioned to brush it off as ‘normal’ or ‘not that bad,’ BECAUSE it is so common, and not much is usually done about it. Only 20% of criminals are actually charged and only 1-8% are punished/convicted!!

If we’re exposed to a horror often enough, at some point our brains just become numb, start to normalize it, tune it out, to save our sanity.

It’s a slippery slope, because small violations become new baselines.

Jokes about women’s bodies being brushed off. Video games, movies and tv shows portraying violent sex. Men rating women from 1-10 and bragging and being rewarded and encouraged about their ‘conquests.’

The ‘what the f*ck’ line being slowly towed, stretched, until it’s a million miles from where it started.

These conversations often get dismissed as ‘man-bashing,’ ‘man-hating,’ or ‘women vs. men.’ No, this is an ‘EVERYBODY vs. the problem’ problem.

If something feels off, it’s on EVERYBODY to say or do something.

You can’t claim to be one of the ‘good ones,’ men or women, just because you would never do something like this, but you don’t say/do anything to someone else who is speaking or acting questionably, even something as ‘innocent’ as making a comment or laughing at something inappropriate.

Or you don’t act because you think someone else is already taking care of it, or surely someone else will say/do something. (This ‘Bystander Effect’ results in so many people not getting the help or justice they deserve!!)

Or you may be overwhelmed or jaded, thinking ‘well I’m only one person, I can’t help everyone anyway, so why try this time. It won’t make much of a difference, plus I’ve got enough on my plate as it is.’

My partner wisely said, ‘You can’t help everyone, but everyone can help ONE person, and if everyone helps SOMEONE, then there’s a higher chance nobody gets left behind.’

Your actions matter. Even if you only speak out ONCE. Make a report ONCE. Do something ONCE. Every bit counts.

If you’re afraid to be hurt or targeted by the criminal if you get involved, that’s completely understandable, but please at least check on the victim when you think it is safe to do so.

And if you’re in the dating scene, I hope you can bring even more patience, understanding, and sensitivity to the process. People are guarded for good reason. People choose to take their time getting to know someone for good reason.

Pressuring someone to match YOUR timeline, emotionally or physically, when you’ve never had the lived experience of what it’s like to live in their skin, feel their fear, live their dangerous realities, is not only insensitive but straight up abusive.

It was also sickening how little the school even listened to the victim, which is sadly the NORM. Victims are intensely questioned, doubted, and blamed, over any small detail the police can try to use to shift the blame from the rapist onto the victim!

In this case, Cornell even tried to cover it up entirely by stating false information in the original police report in 2024, that she said it was voluntary and consensual!!

Making the rapists write an essay or attend a remediation course isn’t a real consequence. A real punishment would be castration, being raped themselves so they know what their victims feel like, lifelong imprisonment or outright execution.

Because it is quite easy to NOT rape. Basic respect of boundaries is NOT rocket science. Even if someone consents to ONE person or one action, does not mean you get the right to violate her privacy, share her location to 50+ other people advertising ‘free p*ssy,’ ‘you can just walk in and whip it out.’

The investigation is ongoing, but this is so much bigger than just this case. It shows how deeply misogynistic, patriarchal, and skewed society is towards those in power, to the point of protecting criminals because of the potential impact of punishment on THEM, their careers and reputations. 

Like it was for rapist Brock Turner, the Stanford swimmer whose father said he ‘shouldn’t be punished so severely for 20 minutes of action.’ REALLY?!? 

Why do we care so much more about men than about women in this society. Men’s issues such as erectile dysfunction have received TWICE to SIX times as much research studies and funding as women’s health issues such as endometriosis. 

Female pain is normalized, women are called ‘hysterical’ and portrayed as constantly over complaining. Women of color get even worse treatment in healthcare because of stereotypes and prejudice as well.

This is NOT ok. We have a responsibility to learn from these tragedies and gross acts of cruelty and injustice.

I hope we can reflect not only on our actions, but all the hidden, automatic, ingrained thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that drive and influence them.

And truly be able to take in new information, and update our ways of moving and relating in the world, when we are confronted with very real data, and immeasurable pain.

If you take away nothing else, I hope you will remember the Pyramid. Even small things, jokes, comments, are NOT OK. Everyone has a woman in their life they care about. Would you want this happening to your mother/sister/daughter/friend?

I sometimes feel at a loss for what more I can do. I speak out and take action when I see injustice, attend protests, and try to share and educate as much as I can online and offline. I run a Sex Ed Course once a year, more if we have more groups.

If you have ideas, have something I can join, or want to get involved in this mission, please let me know. You can email me at DrTooni@Mail.com or use my contact form on this blog.

If you learned from this post and its resources/links (I hope everyone knows about NOMORE global directory of support, RAINN’s support hotline and Domestic Violence hotlines), please share them so more people can be informed. Hope you stay safe.