Every birthday I take time to reflect on the year, what I’ve learned and who I’ve become.

Turning 38 officially puts me in my late 30s. It feels like a huge milestone, to be close to 40.

My life is quite different from what I thought it’d be.

I had always wanted to be a mom.

Here I am, nomadic, freelancing, never married, no kids, even questioning sometimes if I was brainwashed by the patriarchy.

But I’ve learned to stop the shame spirals & self-bullying.

And also to let go of trying to control the outcomes in my life. 

All I can really control is the input, putting in the work, and staying positive, grateful, and open to possibility.

This year was my biggest one yet of growth, both personally and professionally.

I think because I finally learned what letting go truly meant. 

I didn’t let go of my dreams; I just no longer hinged my happiness on them.

And I let myself be happy NOW. 

With what I have. 

With ALL that I already have.

It doesn’t mean I don’t have goals or reach for them passionately.

I can just reach for them while feeling FULL, rather than hungry.

And I can focus on what *I* am doing, and feel proud when I show up for my dreams, even when the outcomes don’t turn out the way I had hoped.

If I’m not hungry, won’t I not work as hard for them, you say?

Well that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve had MORE energy to reach for them because I’m full, and not weighed down by all my sad sob stories.

I truly started savoring my freedom to spend my time the way I wanted to, unrestricted yet by a boss, partner, or child, while getting to choose when and how to nurture others without it consuming my whole life & identity.

I could be a mom and give my love to anyone.

I fell in love with some in-person teaching & coaching experiences. Cared for the students & kids as if they were my own. I felt so attached just after a few months and cried when I left.

I still enjoy nomading, but I started to crave more roots & community.

It was incredible to be seen for my gifts, for the first time. 

To feel like enough, just as I was, to be offered a home, with food, community, love, everything I needed, with no strings attached. 

My creativity was seen as divine wisdom, and it was enough to just do my craft with joy. 

It didn’t take chasing or proving. I felt the sheer joy of receiving ABUNDANTLY for something I LOVED to do that I not only would have done for free, but would have paid for it myself!

Winning pickleball tournament prize money, sports coaching, MCing a wedding, facilitating retreats, teaching Sex Ed & simply emotionally supporting & regulating clients through difficult times…

It turned into my best income year yet! And it never felt like work!

I was able to fully embody my identity as a Love Advocate, offering dating & relationship coaching & matchmaking, especially for the extraordinary “weirdos” (nomads & neurodivergents). 

I befriended my voice of doubt. I let it be there and no longer thought I was incompetent if it was there. In fact it showed that I cared about the quality & standards of my work.

I started to trust that I could help even when the old familiar feelings of nervousness & ‘am I doing enough?! do I know what I’m doing’ still came up.

Even when I did something new, when I was caught offguard, or when I yet again invested in something not sure how it would turn out.

I was also able to revisit old haunts, close some chapters, and bring clarity to muddled memories.

In my personal life, after another intense connection disintegrated, I SWORE I would never again choose the same kind of love I had before, the kind that gave only breadcrumbs (but I overpoured caramel to fill in the gaps, turning it into a soggy mess).

I came to learn just how PRECIOUS my caramel is. That nothing but a full, robust loaf, could hold it, the extent of my weird but special kind of love, attention, support and care. 

From my journey overcoming trauma, surviving medical surgical training, and coming to terms with my marginalized identity, I learned to anticipate needs, be extremely detail-oriented, remember everything, love with a depth of understanding only those who have been through the fire themselves have. 

I was finally better able to represent myself accurately, rather than shortchanging myself again.

Then, 10 months ago, I met hopefully my Life Partner. There’s still much more to learn about each other before making more of a commitment, but it’s been steady, consistent, and ‘easy’ in a way relationships haven’t been before.

There has been maturity, transparency, consistency, no games or being left wondering where I stand. 

Talking through any issues calmly, feeling like we are always on the same side rather than enemies when triggered. 

Each of us meeting our lessons & patterns reflected in our relational mirrors with genuine openness & curiosity.

And a healthy pace, from my ‘Friends First & Always’ approach that I now teach to others in my Conscious Dating workshops & programs.

I have felt what it feels like to be Divinely Loved through him and many others.

Friendships shifted and changed, which I now see were for the highest good because they were not healthy or balanced as they were.

And I became even better able to distinguish what is mine to carry and what’s not.

I no longer feel like a bad person for not being endlessly available or giving everything to someone else at the expense of myself.

The baseline is no longer skewed in Extreme People-Pleaser territory.

I can see the distinction now, and act on it.

I became more discerning of how I spent my time & energy, protecting my peace & creative contribution I wanted to make sure I gave to the world.

I learned even more deeply what filled my cup, and what I could be flexible about. Partnership has stretched & challenged me, but I’m so grateful to get to be in the practice of conscious relating even more regularly, and with more at stake.

It’s been an incredible year, and I see now how things shift on the outside when you make changes on the inside.

Even my Tiger Mom told me she was proud of me. Whaaaat?!?!

After training in Reiki (universal loving energy), I let go of wanting my parents to see and understand me and be proud of me. I stopped feeling like a victim if they didn’t. I stopped feeling entitled to my parents’ love. They had me for their own reasons, and if they never knew healthy love themselves, how could they give it? And then that happened.

The real game isn’t how fast or slow you go, or even what you do, it’s how gentle you can be with yourself along the way, and how much you can enjoy the journey. 

Knowing you may never arrive, or likely even will never arrive, because you’ll always have somewhere to move towards next.

If you can do that, everything falls into place, or at least feels manageable.

I no longer fear aging as societal conditioning & the patriarchy would have me fear.

Attempts to control women with shame, pressuring them into the impossible task of defying aging, maintaining near-perfect appearances & bodies, being ambitious but not ‘too bossy,’ sexually confident but not ‘too experienced,’ etc, are sickening!!

We should celebrate our wrinkles, gray hairs, sun spots, wonky bits, experiences, accomplishments, and other badges of honor, markers of experience, wisdom, and resilience.

Every year we get better and better, aging like fine, mature, ever more complex & robust wine.

There is never an expiration date. Not for us, not for our dreams, not for our lady bits. If we still have a breath in us, we will always be kicking & moving, becoming more badass with every experience.

I learned you can’t control the outcomes, but you certainly CAN control a hell of a lot – your direction. Your actions. Your interpretations. 

The world can be falling apart around you, and you can STILL choose peace and happiness, like Victor Frankl did in his years in a concentration camp.

Even the ‘biological clock’ does not have to be your enemy. I have felt in my bones motherly love for children not of my own genes.

They don’t have to be, for me to love and care for them. It’s the same love I feel for every single soul on this planet.

There is always a way forward, and a way to appreciate all that we have, rather than the things we don’t. 

There will always be things we don’t have, that someone else does.

But YOU have things that they don’t either, even if you don’t know the full picture of what those are. 

There are tradeoffs to everything, and you can never make a true, accurate comparison because you will never know the whole story of someone else the way you know yours.

I have stopped playing that game long ago and focused on just being better than the person I was yesterday, last week, last year.

And better in some ways, doesn’t even have to be in all the ways.

Our journeys have ups and downs, twists, set backs. Though it feel like we’re circling back to where we were, it’s actually a SPIRAL staircase; we are actually at a NEW level, even though it looks like the same spot from above.

I’m writing this in Japan, a dream country I have always wanted to celebrate my birthday in, but had always denied myself until I “earned it.”

I am done punishing and depriving myself. I can celebrate myself without any pre-existing conditions.

I hope you do too. 

I have even greater faith now that miracles are possible.

Not only possible, but every day, inevitable, and accessible to everyone, if we only choose to see them.

If you want any help, you know where to find me. Thank you for following along my journey and regularly visiting this blog! Hope it continues to bring you peace, hope, and strength for taking your most authentic path, even when it’s incredibly, impossibly difficult.