Summary: Meeting my soulmate & the lessons I learned from this journey after 4+ years single.

I have met possibly the love of my life. One of the best people I know. And the healthiest relationship I have ever had.

Now I know what the others have always talked about and I used to roll my eyes at. I never knew it could be so ‘easy,’ being in a relationship that is so aligned in values, vision, and even the little things.

(Everyone told me was impossible to find a fellow nomad who also wants kids & is financially stable! but I’m glad I never gave up)

In 2022, I took a year off from dating to really look at and work on myself, which turned into 4 years.

I picked apart old patterns of chasing love, forcing compatibility, erasing and contorting myself to keep a connection, and doing more than my fair share of effort.

I thought I had always been a great, extremely considerate, caring lover…

And in many ways, had to confront myself and the ways I was toxic. And sabotaging or pushing away what I claimed I wanted.

Here are some of my lessons, in case they can help you, whether you are single or partnered:

1) I gave a LOT… yet secretly kept score and became resentful when it wasn’t reciprocated to the same extent.

Therefore, I wasn’t giving from true GENEROSITY; I was giving trying to get back love, in a certain way or certain amount.

I guess because I didn’t believe I deserved love just for existing. I felt like I had to at least be the best version of myself, and give as much of myself as I could.

I didn’t notice I was in performative energy or auditioning for a role that deep down I didn’t think I really deserved.

Which was ultimately quite unattractive and pushed healthy people away, and attracted users/people who took advantage of me.

My resentment also leaked out into every other area of the relationship. I’d become exhausted, irritable, start withholding, nag or complain, instead of directly communicating what was wrong and how to fix it. *I* didn’t even know myself!

Returning to the true meaning of generosity helped me a LOT. See number 6 below.

2) I was rigid about the specific ways I wanted to receive love.

Of course people should learn each other’s Love Languages, but we all make mistakes and default to our natural ways, which shouldn’t be discounted.

Instead of seeing & appreciating all the ways I WAS being loved, I focused on what was missing, what they did wrong or could have done better, and didn’t appreciate effort.

Simply because *I* could see an opportunity, I shouldn’t assume others can too.

For example, I really like Gifts/Tokens, which is not about the price, but about the thoughtfulness of someone THINKING of me when I’m not physically there, and knowing what I like.

So I really love it when someone picks me up something small they think I would like, or if I’m feeling sick, get me a tea or ginger or something to show they care.

Many people do not see such opportunities, but it’s the effort to learn that counts.

I used to not be appreciative if they tried but got me something I didn’t like, which discouraged them from ever trying again.

Also, I had to learn to actually communicate that this is a specific way I would like to be loved. They may not get it if I simply showed them what I want by giving it first.

I have no right to be angry and resentful if I didn’t actually have a direct conversation first.

Both of us being Neurodivergent made it more challenging, but we were luckily able to work it out!

3) I was very quick to judge, and in a pessimistic, catastrophizing way, and could find a reason to dismiss anyone, quite quickly.

I went on first dates but wasn’t really looking for the good, but the bad. Not looking for what we had in common, but what our differences were.

Newsflash: everyone is unique and we can’t find a copy of ourselves, nor would we want to (I hope!)

So we’ll always have differences. If we focus on what’s missing or different, we can erode an otherwise great, healthy connection, no matter how long we’ve been together.

I would take one thing and go down the path of ‘and this will never work because…’

‘…we live on different continents’
‘…they’re really close with their family and I wouldn’t want to take them away from that’
‘…they’re too extroverted for me.’
‘…they drink too much (and I don’t at all).’
‘…our exercise habits are too far apart.’
‘…they’re in ___ field of work, so they’re not creative enough for me.’

Without giving it enough time to EXPERIENCE the person and the relationship, to see if this was as big of a deal or obstacle as I’d thought.

Soulmates are MADE, not found. It is healthy to accept influence form each other to a certain extent, according to relationship experts John & Julie Gottman (who predicted with 94%+ accuracy whether a couple will stay together or not from just watching one interaction).

You need to be willing to see if and HOW you can grow together, not just give up before you start.

An introvert and extrovert can make a fantastic pair; it depends on how much time you want and need together.

And I found personally that I don’t need someone to win pickleball tournaments with me, as long as we find other ways to stay active & healthy, I can still play tournaments with friends, and there are so many other ways to connect with my partner.

I almost missed out on my current partner if I hadn’t noticed and questioned this unhelpful tendency of mine.

It almost became a habit, a self-protective one, of just find a flaw/incompatibility, dismiss, move on, try again. When you do something for long enough (I must have gone on 100+ first dates), you form a habit without even knowing it, even if the habit directly sabotages your actual long-term goal.

4) I settled for and contributed to unequal, unhealthy dynamics.

I had always carried more of the emotional and mental labor. I did more than my fair share to keep a relationship alive. I would follow up, overtext, overexplain, overplan, overdo, etc.

I didn’t allow space to be desired, for the relationship to grow, or for the other person to step in or step up; rather I smothered it with pressure and closeness because I wasn’t as established and balanced in other areas of my life.

I still believe relationships are the most important thing in life. They are the #1 predictor of our long-term happiness confirmed by research, but I had fallen in the fantasy of your person will be your everything, or will save, rescue you or solve all your problems.

No, it’s still important to build your own life, one that you are genuinely proud of, instead of waiting for a partner before you can start.

To truly enjoy and SAVOR your Sacred Singlehood, because you don’t know how long that will last.

I had always secretly wanted to co-found a business with a partner or at least a friend. But I was always waiting, until one day I decided I need to become the kind of person who didn’t depend on others for her dreams.

I used to not have great boundaries and got swept up in relationships. Now I fiercely protect my creative time, work time, self-care time, which not only got me more respect, attraction, balanced relational dynamics, but allowed me to bring the best version of myself to the time spent together as well.

5) I even took on a controlling, motherly role sometimes?! (ick!)

I’m naturally a very nurturing person. I LOVE animals, kids, all cute things, and get squeeful around them.

I am also highly organized and on top of things, time-sensitive, after needing to be for my brutal 80-hour workweeks as a doctor.

So I was at high risk for falling into a mothering role, which also kills attraction, or only works for immature people who want to be mothered.

Weaponized incompetence is a thing, sadly. When someone says ‘well why don’t you just do it, because you’re better at it or faster at it anyway.’ or I have that thought internally, so I just do it to save time and have more mutual free time to enjoy with my partner.

But it is can easily escalate to ‘Honey, where are / have you seen my keys? What are we doing this weekend? When are the kids due for their next dental cleaning?’

Women sadly still carry the vast MAJORITY / 75%+ of the Mental Load, but it’s great that we are bringing more and more awareness to this.

I fell into patterns passed on unconsciously from my Tiger mom. I micromanaged, nagged, criticized, reminded, exhausting myself and infantilizing my partner. It eroded my respect and attraction for them over time, built resentment, without me understanding why for a long time.

It also created a dynamic that was hard to change, since we had been in it for a while. And I felt taken for granted, but it was me choosing to do so much.

How a relationship starts set the tone. There is something to be said about giving appropriately to the stage you’re in, don’t give someone wife/husband treatment when you haven’t built to that point yet. It can attract users, scare people off, leave you feeling underappreciated, set up unhealthy, unsustainable expectations, and more.

6) I was extremely protective of myself and the life I had built, including my freedom & assets.

I’ve noticed this issue especially with my older clients. It’s normal to feel it’s unfair to combine everything if you’ve built a lot and your partner hasn’t, though this gets in the way of love.

Young people who go on the journey together, who found each other when they both didn’t have much, and build together, don’t have this issue.

I don’t have a great solution for this, but here are some thoughts:

You can’t have a perfectly equal relationship. There will be seasons where one person is ill, has more on their plate to deal with, etc.

To choose a partnership means accepting this uncertainty and choosing to be MORE than your fair share of generous.

The 80/80 marriage or 100/100 principle talk about this. If you’re trying to get MORE than you give, or get JUST AS MUCH as you give, you’re going to be disappointed and struggling for a very long time.

Practically, you can create a joint account and keep separate accounts. If you want to be fair, you can consider contributing to proportionate to your incomes or assets, so you are giving roughly an equivalent amount.

My partner actually pointed out that if you contribute exactly 50:50 while one person has 3x more to begin with, it’s ‘equal but not fair.’ The say $500 towards rent will be more costly, a bigger dent, and be felt more by the lower income person. And the higher income person’s assets will continue to grow & compound if they both have investments, generating more and widening the gap.

Some people use a pre-nup and post-nup. It’s ‘unromantic,’ but with the 50%+ divorce rates, it would make sense to have some sort of backup plan to protect both of you. My partner came up with the idea of a graded prenup that eventually dissolves over time, as the relationship matures and deepens.

However you choose to work it out, this is definitely something to work through before you can truly be ready to healthily partner.

The goal shouldn’t be to just be OK or full; the goal should be OVERFLOW.

7) Singlehood is absolutely neutral. There are pros & cons to everything.

I got clear & honest with myself on my PERKS of being single, which included my lifestyle, variety of dating experiences, and getting first choice as to how I spent my time.

I had gotten accustomed to this freedom, which also manifested in other ways such as having a whole bed to myself, choosing what to eat, watch, do, and as a digital nomad, what country to go live in next.

I didn’t have too much issue in this area since I have always been quite collaborative and didn’t mind making joint decisions or trading off turns in worst case scenario, but prolonged time being single did mean more of an adjustment.

I didn’t realize there were perks that I might have gotten subconsciously attached to and didn’t want to give up, which resulted in me self-sabotaging connections that could have worked out.

That’s why I tell my clients it’s never better or worse, there are perks and drawbacks of singlehood and partnership. You may as well fully ENJOY & SAVOR your Sacred Singlehood for as long as you have it, since you may never again, and this could change at any time.

The great myth is that our lives will be SO much better with a partner. In reality, people generate their own levels of happiness, by the thoughts they choose to think & how they perceive the world…

(i.e. you can have the most amazing partner and still ungratefully complain about their little imperfections, and live a miserable life)

This is why it’s so important to take responsibility for our own happiness.

A partner can make us happIER, but not happy if we aren’t already.

We get what we put in, and many of us don’t feel whole, complete, or normal, deep down, if we’re single.

If that’s the case, can you say you are REALLY being the best version of yourself?

And how can your ideal partner find you if you’re not being & broadcasting yourself accurately?

Also, it is way better to be single & available to meet the right person at anytime than in a unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship, which you would have to break up and recover from, just to get to the place the single person is at!

8) Soulmates are BUILT, not found.

You can start with good raw material, of course, but there must be a level of willingness to GROW TOGETHER, to round up from 0.73 to the ONE.

Finding a partner has turned into a maximizing optimization for some people, myself included.

Yes, there will always be a better raw material fit out there, and you will drive yourself nuts if you are always looking for it or thinking about it.

Satisficers are much happier than maximizers, according to research.

Also, we have become a very ‘take it/me as I am, or leave it’ culture. The happiest, healthiest partnerships are willing to accept influence from each other, relationship experts The Gottmans have found.

A relationship is like a garden that benefits from daily nurturing, intention, & effort.

If you want a great longterm relationship without the work, or only doing what you feel like, following your feelings moment to moment, then don’t have one. It’s not a necessity.

Like you wouldn’t leave your kid hungry if you didn’t feel like cooking or feeding him/her! Then just don’t have the kid.

If you choose to take on the joys but also the responsibilities of partnership, do the loving actions even when you’re not feeling it. You made a commitment.

Otherwise, you would just jump from honeymoon relationship to new honeymoon relationship if you leave when the feelings fade/excitement dies down.

There’s way more I could say on this topic, but I’ll leave it here for now.

If you’d like to have meaningful discussions on dating, relationships, and dismantling your personal and societal blocks, misconceptions, and toxic patterns, you’re warmly invited to our Mindful Dating & Relational Healing group membership and/or program!

Just contact me at DrTooni@Mail.com for details or book an inquiry call HERE. We should meet to make sure you’re a good fit if we haven’t before.

There is support at every level, from casual, but deep intentional chats by donation, to full out hand-holding & pattern re-wiring as you navigate the hectic dating world yourself.

Or even just for relating, to find more of your soul tribe, deep friendships, community that truly nourish you.

No matter how long it’s been, how ‘weird’ you are or how crazy what you want may feel, I hope you don’t give up. There is someone for everyone, and you DO deserve love.

If you want help finding your person, your peeps, and/or your home, give me a holler! I’m here for you.

-Love, Dr. T 💖