Summary: Losing yourself in others or for the sake of family or loved ones… where is the line between not enough and too much?

My grandma was hospitalized with a sudden heart attack for most of my visit to China (2 months). 

In hindsight, I got overly involved caring for her, and burned out a bit. We visited her every day in the afternoon visiting hours. I attempted to give her Reiki energy healing with my hands, sneaking it in since my relatives don’t believe in it and wouldn’t understand.

I fell behind on work and other obligations. I also canceled my other plans, even some daytrips. Even now, after leaving to Europe for a long preplanned friend’s wedding and long trip with a promising new partner, it somehow still feels wrong to be enjoying myself.

However, I remind myself that she would have wanted me to move forward, have fun, be happy, live the best life I can, and to not put my life on hold for her.

I feel bad not helping to carry the burden of caring for her, that it’s all on mostly my uncle’s shoulders since he has always lived with her.

But I know that’s not my responsibility… But is it his? Whose is it?

DO I have a responsibility for my own parents? This has been a tricky question. 

I was taught to be self-sufficient, that it’s not safe to rely on others, because you don’t know what they’ll be dealing with when you really need them.

My parents have saved a large amount for their retirement which includes possibly hiring private caretakers or nursing homes. 

I would like to be able to help where I can, but we all have limits.

Though I know that from personal experience, I keep seeming to overstep and cross my own boundaries sometimes.

It feels ‘fine’, until I one day crash from exhaustion.

All the healing work I have been doing with myself and others has been to better hone the body’s radar, recognize & take rest as needed, before we crash.

And yet it can be so easy to lose yourself when you’re thinking about a loved one.

Especially with the thought of, ‘maybe if I just do this one bit more, it might make all the difference??’

I choose not to live the conventional life of a 9-5 keeping me away from my loved ones, but just because I can work remotely, from anywhere, does that mean I should be available for others with all my free time or to live near or with them?

It was a heart-wrenching 2 months.

All our family members flew back urgently to see her, since we weren’t sure how long she would have. Miraculously she is still stable, even though her heart failure markers are outrageous and would indicate otherwise. They do not reflect how she is doing clinically.

She’s in a tough in-between area of life, and I really feel for her, and just want peace for her and progress in whatever direction she chooses.

She has lived a full life, and her functioning has declined a lot, not being able to speak or swallow. It declined much further since the hospitalization, to the point where she cannot form any words at all now and is only allowed to sip water.

I wish we knew her wishes.

I wish she was able to write or find some way to communicate beyond simple gestures.

I feel stuck and conflicted, not knowing what to wish for her.

I wish her peace, comfort, joy. She loves food so I’m sure she has been suffering from not being able to eat and being tube fed for 2 months through her nose.

No one can make a decision for her, except my uncle, her default designated decision maker.

This reminded me of a very wise video I saw Dr. ZDoggMD, a hospital doctor, made. His words still stick with me: ‘It always seems too soon, until it’s too late. Talk with your loved ones about their end of life wishes today.’

I have heard of miraculous recoveries. People healing from cancer, and people being able to walk again even when doctors said they never would. I believe anything is possible. But I don’t know her beliefs or wishes.

So I will hold onto hope for her, though everything felt so unresolved by the time I left.

I know I have done all that I can, to the limits of my capacity, at least for this trip. I’m so grateful for the time I did get to spend with her.


How do you distinguish the line between caring/doing too much vs. not enough? How do you handle losing or merging into your loved ones? I’d love to hear, let’s discuss in the comments or email me at DrTooni@Mail.com!